"Here's How to Stop Suffering
From your Husband's
Emotional Abuse and
Have The Relationship
You've Always Wanted"
Dear Friend,
Recently I saw this couple, at the table near mine, so near I could hear his voice. Not that it was difficult, because the guy was raising his voice in such a way it was unavoidable to hear the nasty, mean words he was directing to the young woman besides him.
I watched her, with her wide open eyes, taking in his verbal abuse, becoming more and more scared of him, and then bowing her head in sheer embarrassment.
She knew that people around her were watching, and was totally overwhelmed by his criticism. His angry words were relentless! He kept saying cruel things in a very strong way, as if he was the owner of the universe with all the power to lash out at her.
While he got more and more excited barking at her, his face was reddening, his voice louder and louder and he began slapping the table. This was clearly spouse abuse! Just as I decided there was a need to intervene, he abruptly stood up and grabbed her arm; both disappeared from the place very fast.
I was really sad for her, because I have learned how to escape from that very scary emotional abuse situation; I now how how to feel secure and happy inside, no matter what…If I could have transferred a piece of my soul to her, by an invisible ray entering her heart, I would have done so!
Why? Because I know how painful it is to be put down and shown this kind of psychological abuse “treatment” by the same person you love so much. And I now know to build my own self-esteem and avoid completely being affected by this negative and controlling behavior, which was possibly destroying any trust and love existing between them.
The question is: What happened in my life before now, that changed my life? How did I do it, and build my self-confidence to this point?
If you would have asked me if this was even possible a few years ago, I would have said "No way." I used to think that I was almost worthless and that anyone in my circle of friends or family could use this kind of treatment with me. And I would have been ready with a good excuse! I would accept any negative comment or angry attack against me as if I deserved that treatment! As if I was responsible for unleashing his fury! Can you believe that?
It's now easier for me to identify this kind of behavior as soon as the first inkling of it appears, and immediately know what to do. I can choose to stop it just there, and I know what to say and what to do to stop an abusive spouse …in a very direct but nice way.
So how did I go from being totally submissive so that my husband would release his pent up anger on me or my children without respecting us, to the person I am now, being able to recognize, stop and transform this kind of emotional abuse?
MY SISTER’S STORY
I had not seen my sister in the last ten months...I was living in another city and she had moved with her new husband into a small town six hours away. We did call, but her calls were getting more and more distant. All this time, I had the certainty that both she and her husband were doing well together, so no big worry.
I went to her place, rang the bell and a long silence followed. There was her car out there, so what was wrong? I knocked at the door, and finally she opened the door. I stared in silence...who was this woman? And finally, she said: "Liz, you are here!"
This person was a shadow of my sister, a pale ghost in the frame of the door... I was so shocked that it took me several seconds to reach out and embrace her! She was sobbing, distraught and shaken, and I had to take her into the living room...what had happened to her?
I could see her better now, and she looked ten years older than her 28 years of age; her hair was dirty and her eyes sunken. She looked like she had been crying all morning! I plucked up the courage to say: "Please, Ann, tell me what's wrong?"
She told me: "I never wanted to tell you, because I'm so ashamed of myself! You were proud of me, but now I know that I'm such a stupid person!- I don't deserve anybody to take any interest in me! Please, can you go away and don't tell mother that you saw me?"
Ann was in such a sad situation that it took a while for me to understand that she was blaming herself for her situation!
What happened? "John is always telling me that I'm such a lousy, stupid woman that finally I realized that I'm a total failure! And he is right, I can't do anything in the proper way, and he is ready to leave me!"
This was NOT the sister that I knew! This woman was a pathetic wreck, and did not resemble the young, intelligent and resourceful younger sister that I knew! I was too surprised to stop from asking: "Where is John now?" Ann looked around, and in a whispering tone said: "He is gone to buy his beer, but will be back soon, why you don't leave now?"
That was the last thing I wanted to hear! "Please, Ann, tell me what happened to you in the months you have been married, will you?" I had to grab her hands and push her to look at me.
"He began making nasty jokes about me to his friends, they were laughing with him about how a lousy cook like me was going to poison all of them with my food...then, when I complained about their jokes, he got furious and began yelling at me! He said that I was separating him from his friends! From that day on, it has been a constant storm of screaming at me, or doing ironic and negative comments; nothing of what I do is right! He keeps making fun or saying humiliating things about me, whether other people are present or not. Why doesn't he realize that it hurts so much?"
"At the beginning I tried to cook better, clean, be ready to please him, and then he sometimes would be very nice to me. I need so much to be loved that I'm always expecting him to treat me with tender loving care, and when he gives me some crumbs of attention I keep going."
"And then, he gets angry again and I can't talk to him anymore. He blames me for everything that is wrong and I feel guilty all of the time. I'm so alone... What am I doing wrong?
It's been almost a week that he hasn't spoken to me; I've been crying my eyes out and wishing to die, so I can end this torture! It's not the kind of married life I ever imagined!"
NOW, I know my sister. I know that she is a capable, intelligent and resourceful woman who is definitively able of hold her ground, but what had happened here, that she was reduced to be a shadow of herself?
I was overwhelmed seeing the destruction of her previous happy self, replaced by this shaken, fearful shadow of herself.
Her husband had managed to completely destroy her self-esteem, using the cruelest tactics: humiliation, constant negative critique, giving her the cold shoulder and isolating her from human contact.
I'm not a professional, but at that time I was horrified at the change in her lovely person, how could he do so much damage?
And what could I do? I wasn't going to leave, with her in such a situation!
Thinking fast, I said to Ann: "Do you remember when we were children, that time when we got lost, and we were scared of not finding our way back home?"
She had a faint smile, and said "Of course, I do!...you told me to hold hands and look around, that we were going to be back safely in no time!"
"Well, is the same now, Ann...you need a bit of help to return to the strong person that you are, but there is a way...let me help you. Where are your wedding pictures?"
She went to a drawer, got the album, and handed it to me. "What do you need them for?"
I had only one wish: I wanted to show her the person she had been...the radiant, secure and beautiful Ann. She needed to recover herself! Slowly, I was selecting some of the pictures, and saying to her: "See this woman? How do you see her here?"
"Happy, secure of herself...looking at the future, and she looks very pretty"
"Well, she is still inside you, and she wants to be given the freedom to live her life with joy...You now need a bit of support getting to know what to do in order to be more assertive and defend yourself, and you will be able to improve this situation soon!"
She was still afraid, but her eyes were brighter and alive.
"Thanks for reminding me of who I am! Now, what can I do? I'm still afraid that he will leave me if I don't do what he wants!"
"You are still thinking like a prisoner, but let's do one thing at the time, shall we? Let's go now outside, find a nice place where we can have lunch and we will together plan how to recover your wonderful spirit...and if he leaves, don't you think he will be doing you a favor?"
Finally, I had her smiling! For a moment, I saw the young girl she was, always sweet and kind, and never prepared to hold her ground against hostile pressure! That was the issue! She needed to learn a lesson on how to assert herself and how to ask, or better, demand, what she needed in a relationship!!!
Now, the path was clear: I needed to remind Ann of the person she was inside; reinforce her resolve to get the respect she needed from John or else leave him, and as a lesson for the future, to learn the skills to defend herself against any bully, not only her husband!
When we were growing up, we never learned how to assert and defend ourselves. Nobody taught us how to protect ourselves! Being very sincere, I could even remember our dad making these same nasty critiques to our mother...and that was part of their "normal marriage." It's no wonder we dind't know how to respond in these kind of abusive situations!
But, Ann said, "how did you learn about emotional abuse and self-defense?"
"Incredible, but I have learned a lot." I told her- "I have been doing a lot of reading and found an e-book that is just about how to identify and react to all kinds of abuse...Because, Ann, you can have two responses when you are abused: be overwhelmed, victimized and sad, and suffer the whole impact; or you can remember that you have resources and use them."
One of the resources is your sense of injustice, and it gives you access to your anger; when you get angry, you stop being depressed and then you need to find a way to react! This ebook has given me permission to be angry at anybody launching emotional attacks on me, and so I found my own strength to react! It is reassuring to know I can always defend myself verbally from this kind of destructive behavior."
She looked at me and I saw a glimpse of my younger, beautiful sister. "You know," Ann said- "I needed you to remind me of the person I can be. Something has to change now and if I need to learn the skills to be more assertive, then what can I do...can you keep talking about the skills you learned from the book?"
Have You Ever Been The Target Of
Your Husband's Abuse?
Well, I'm here to tell you that those ideas are wrong!
Your family, when growing up, taught you how to walk, how to speak, or how to drive a car. These are basic skills that you LEARNED when you needed them. You have also learned from your family this helpless attitude, this automatic acceptance of power attitudes used on women by men. Now you need to drop them and find other skills that are going to boost your self-esteem and make you stop accepting and begin to reject this emotional abuse.
In my own experience, anger attacks are a special kind of emotional abuse, which because it can erupt unexpectedly, takes you by surprise, taking away your capacity to react. Used systematically by a husband, it can reduce you to a nervous wreck, and pave the way for physical abuse!
As a reaction to my own personal story of emotional abuse, I went on a personal mission, and spent years thinking and learning about the good relationships, the ones I wanted so badly to have. I found wonderful books and philosophical works, but very little in how to apply those reflections into managing abuse in such a way that it would not only transform me, making me stronger and more self-assured, but would give the angry person some badly needed lessons to learn too.
The sad truth is that there is always a gap between the concepts you read and the emotional growth that needs to happen inside you….and if you don't grasp how to assimilate these concepts into your own self-esteem, they are useless. Finally, you could end up resigned to the diminished scared person that the abusive man wants as his companion.
It Doesn't Have To Be This Way!
I've spent a good part of my life listening to stories about how abused people feel; I have also collected those stories where the sun of resilience shines through….wonderful stories where you can see the person rising up and developing new skills, and new trust on her own ideas and feelings, by finding ways to manage the controlling and abusive situations they found themselves in. And more, they also learned how to identify potentially abusive situations, and avoid them!
For a long time, my friends have been listening to my stories about women resilient to anger attacks and said to me: "You have to write a book... You have to write a book..."
So that's what you will get here. I've taken the time to write down everything that I've learned and discovered in plain, easy-to-understand language. A good friend of mine showed me how to publish the book online and make it available to you for instant download.
So that's what you will get here.
I've taken the time to write down everything that I've learned and discovered in plain, easy-to-understand language.
A good friend of mine showed me how to publish the book online and make it available to you for instant download!
“The Tao of Anger: Recovering from
Emotionally Abusive Relationships”
You have already learned the usual response to an anger attack: “be patient and it will go away.” Now, you know that this advice is worthless! Because it will slowly fade away, only to reappear next time that you are ten minutes late serving his dinner, and he will get upset for nothing again and yell at you.
You might now be very competent in detecting the initial steps of an anger attack, but still need to learn good ways of stopping it. Whatever your situation, this book will help you.
This book is full of original ideas all backed by years of my own personal psychological research and my own real world experience learning from scratch. I'm not kidding around with you - I learned all this stuff the hard way, by listening to personal experiences and by trying different strategies to stop anger attacks against myself . You won't find this kind of information in any other book - I guarantee it.
Discover How to:
Identify the early signs of an anger attack, so you can either leave the room, the situation or make the right defensive behavior;
Recognize the impact of your past negative mental framings, which might be attracting or at least tolerating, your husband's wrong actions;
How to protect yourself and your children from the emotional onslaught of an anger attack without restrain;
Be ready to transform the relationship with a new covenant with your partner, including healthier rules of interaction;
How to re-create some fundamental perception of yourself as worthy of love and respect; and of your significant other as worthy of being respected, if the right reconciliation steps are implemented.
This Information is only available as an 'Electronic Book'... which means that you can download it and start learning these secrets immediately— right from the privacy and comfort of your computer...
Here's what some of the readers are saying:
"I am delighted with the way you understand how painful abuse can be! I was telling my sisters and my friends, and all of them were asking me to endure the abuse only for the sake of the marriage...nobody saw how much it was hurting me, with his nasty way of puting me down any time. After reading your book, I feel that I have the right to expect being an equal in my relationship…now, my question is how to stop allowing this abuse! The first step was to decide that I'm worthy of love and respect and care. NowI need to learn how to send the right message to him, so he stops thinking that I'm less than him. If he doesn't respects me more, I will need to leave him.
--M.M. Syracuse, N.Y.
“I have been seen by my mother and others as a person always destined for a difficult (even miserable) life, and they understood my husband's emotional abuse as something I deserved. I "must have done something to deserve that treatment," they said to me. And I myself believed that terrible lie! You helped me realize that it is a horrible, unjust way of treating me; and this is why I tolerated my husband's bad treatment and nobody defended me! Now, I tell him I will not tolerate any put downs or "jokes" about me. What a turn-around! My relationship has begun to reverse 180 degrees and is going in the RIGHT direction! This is the way I always wanted to connect with others, with lots of respect, so my heartfelt thanks to you”.
--N.P. Washington, DC
“I had some different ideas about being on the wrong side of conflicts fearing that it always included losing your loved ones.......Now I'm very happy and relieved to find that I can assert what I think without being afraid of being left alone”.
--C.M. New Orleans,
“I was in a miserable situation, being yelled at...never understood what I did to deserve such treatment, but it was very frequent. I would sulk, cry, and generally get sick all the time because of sheer unhappiness. I never understood that I needed to stand up and put a stop to that behavior!! You gave me the right to defend myself, and the funny thing is that he apologized and now is very careful with me”
--T.N. Naples, FL.
“I always assumed that I would be unhappy in my marriage, because nobody could get all the respect; space and love I needed, and besides, my ideas were too romantic and not based on reality. Basically, they tell you to resign your dreams and accept whatever he is giving you, or else be left alone. I’ve read some other books, but your ideas are radically different from others. I’ve never read anything like it. Now, things are slowly improving. I finally think that I myself can control what happens in a positive way!”.
--B.D. West Palm Beach
And this letter about a "hopeless case":
“My husband had told me that he wanted to live by himself after 26 years of marriage, and I was devastated, because I knew that we were fighting too much, saying destructive things and taking completely opposite sides on issues. I was feeling despondent, lonely and terrified of the future even before his notice. I cried for almost a week, before calming down and beginning to think on what to do to save my marriage. I went to my priest and then to a counselor, and both were adamant on helping me "accept reality," which to them was hopeless. They even suggested that he had another person waiting for him......
I told my children that I did not want a divorce, and I would behave differently if I had the techniques. I found your ebook, and immediately began reading it and making sense of why my behavior was mistaken.
When we got together to discuss the future, I asked him to give me, and the marriage another chance. I was trying the techniques with him, then and there! Even in a tentative way, the techniques had some effects because he was delighted at me listening to him, and my understanding of what he was saying to me gave him complete satisfaction, after all this years!
He has also discovered that I have things to say to him, after being silent for so long due to my fear. This approach has changed me from desperate to hopeful. I know it will involve lots of changes, but keeping him and our marriage are worth it. I gave the book to him, so we can both use the fair fight piece. With my gratitude,
--Wendy C.in Salt Lake City.”
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'How Healthy is your Marriage?'
Life is an adventure that implies our own search for our life meaning…finding who we are and what do we need to accomplish in this life term.
Marriage is supposed to be a wonderful tool to help each other grow into the person both need to be. In this approach, negotiating individual goals into a shared set of common goals is what makes a marriage healthy and successful. Then, what helps is to have a contract with our loved one to share with him/her our personal project and set goals to be pursued…Get a look of your own marriage contract and see how it can be more focused on both parties’ growth.
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This ebook was created to help you gradually build self-esteem, so you will :
Always feel adequate.
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Stop emotional abuse and mistreatment at the beginning.
Attract the happiness you dream of!
Be able to negotiate any difficult issue with confidence!
Communicate your views with ease, even in stressful situations.
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Creative Conflict Resolutions
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PS: HERE YOU ARE, STILL THINKING…Do I have to remind you of all the pain and misery you have been through before? This is the best solution to end the pain and humiliation in your relationship!
For only $47, you can have in your hands the solution. Buy the book now, read it, highlight the aspects that talk directly to your situation, write down a couple of personal questions, and send them to me…You will have your personal coach telling you exactly how to restore your balance and peace in a very short time! Isn’t this the change you have been dreaming of?
PPS: And, remember that if you decide that this is not exactly what you need now, you can always return it, get your money back and lose nothing….isn’t this the right opportunity to do something that will change your life for good? Imagine yourself in your new relationship, secure of yourself, feeling very appreciated for who you are. No more emotional abuse for you! …It sure beats feeling miserable, shoved in a corner and shouted at by the same person who is supposed to be your only love, right? Get the book NOW, it is a very low price for the peace of mind it will provide you, so you can be on your way to being the secure, shining person you want to be!
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