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HOW TO IDENTIFY THE SIGNALS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE EARLY ON? In a new relation ship, we are all in our best behavior…trying to impress the other side with our maturity and charm. However, some signs of how we do things in a normal way begin to emerge…with so many stories of emotional abuse going around us, how can you detect if there is some tendency to it in your new relationship? This question begs another: how much interpersonal control, relationship violence or abuse are we personally used to? Movies, stories and people around us seem to be getting progressively more inured to interpersonal emotional abuse. It looks more and more as unavoidable. But, does it have to be necessarily so for you? If you have been dreaming of a relationship as a safe place where to grow and develop, what are the consequences of tolerating some interpersonal violence? For sure, it will be a slippery slope path where you can lose your self-esteem and your personal right to happiness. So, perhaps we can get some ideas about what are the early signs to watch for? It is easy, let’s begins with doing dangerous things, like driving too fast because they\'re mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening other people like waitresses or service people. Why are those serious indications of future emotional abuse? Because you are invited to be a witness to violence, as a way to train you into accepting these outbursts as natural, these behaviors are more dangerous than what they look like. It can be fun to speed in a car while being a little drunk once, as a show of macho behavior….why is it that it becomes dangerous when it is habitual behavior? Because it shows that the person doing that, your boyfriend or girlfriend, accepts this behavior and doesn’t see the impact of this behavior on others: humiliated waitress, scared drivers on the highway, etc. Always remember that you are being exposed to “witnessed violence”, like fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. Remember that this temper will soon be turned in your direction. It is all a process of intimidating you and getting you used at temper tantrums and anger attacks as normal and justified behavior. You will also hear this person telling you about other violence episodes in their life, directed always to other targets. That quickly serves to intimidate you and make you fear their potential for violence, although him/her quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. Why, how they could be angry at your loving presence in their lives? They are clearly letting you know that they have the ability and capability of using interpersonal violence - and that it might come your way. Don’t believe that, because they tell you that you are their sweet love interest, they can’t switch the polarity of their affection and see you as their target for anger. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction. The sad reality is that this person will be showing the same temper with you, as soon as you contradict him or her. What he is looking for is control over you, and not having to share and relinquish this control by negotiating with you. With the threat of violence, or doing systematic verbal abuse, they can be sure that you will not challenge the power differential and will let them decide whatever they want. For your own security, you need to look at the show of violent behavior as a serious condition and evaluate if this threat should be included in your future life with him/her. If you see the situation in this light, your attention will be focused in the actions of the person and not on his/her verbal promises…watch out and decide if there is enough security in the situation as to step in, or else find another route, like a visit to a counselor. If nothing else, this visit will put his violent and abusive behavior in the frame of “pathological condition not amenable to married life,” where it needs to be! You will know that this is not a normal love expression but a serious relationship-damaging personal trait. If you want more useful tips about emotional abuse prevention, www.creativeconflicts.com is your friendly site. Thanks
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| Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com. |
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